Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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