do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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