hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
