If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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