Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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