$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
