Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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