You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
