It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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