Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
