happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize