My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
