you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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