can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
