I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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