so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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