I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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