My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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