I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
