You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
