literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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