im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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