my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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