dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
