Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
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I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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