Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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