do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
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