Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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