Where did you get a picture of my penis
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
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