rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
My breasts were aching with rage.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
