i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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