I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
