well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
