I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
