all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
