Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
