If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
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The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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