Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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