jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
