this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
