I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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