We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
