Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
