i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
