I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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