I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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