apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
