When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
