Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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