I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Welp...herpes.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
