ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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